The Indifference Game
by Carabella
Summary: What happens when hatred gets you?


**The Indifference Game**

_Looking back at me  
I see that I never really got it right  
I never stop to think of you  
I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win.  
You are the antidote that gets me by  
something strong like a drug that gets me high._

I look at the pouring raindrops. I sigh frustrated and sneer right after. My hair is soaking wet and the rain keeps on falling over me. I breathe steadily as I hear footsteps behind me. I don't turn around but continue my way forwards. My pace doesn't slow down even when the figure behind gains on me. My feet are on the wet ground and the mud is pressing against my shoes. I have to go on without uncovering the identity of the figure following me.

It was one morning. One grey and dismal morning of October, when you came to rescue me. I was waiting for Prince Charming, but it wasn't you. You just couldn't. Your smile was captivating, yet I still doubted. I laughed when you stepped into my messy apartment and glanced around. _You were afraid, right?_

You were afraid of what you had against you, afraid of what was coming and what it was now. _Right?_

_What I really meant to say  
is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold  
never meant to be so cold._

Maybe you noticed that I read you like an open book. You were always the first one to worry about something – or someone. _About me._ I didn't understand it and I think you didn't either. But that didn't stop you from seeing the truth you were so scared of. You just didn't want to see it.

I disapprove the way you took me into your life. The way you chained me as your slave. I couldn't find the key to the shackles around me, and I didn't have wings to fly away with. And still I had the strength to stand beside you even when it felt wrong. I regret the fact that I eventually got used to it and gave you the permission to mark me yours. I surrendered to the temptation I shouldn't have. I still wonder what I could have done to prevent it.

I understood too late that I was pretending to myself to be something I wanted to be but I was not. I understood that I had become like you. I shook away the last thought of you when you closed the door behind you, leaving me alone in the dark room. Into the darkness that locked me with my own envy and greed. I had wanted too much and I had been paranoid. I couldn't find any other excuse.

_What I really meant to say  
is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold  
never meant to be so cold._

You said you would love me forever, no matter what. I did not promise that because I knew that promises never last. I knew that promise would have been completely worthless. Either one of us would break it someday. I looked you in the eyes and smiled to show you that I wanted to say the same but lacked the strength. And you believed.

I believed it too and later on I understood how stupid and wrong I had been. All I ever wanted was to be with you. As idiotic as it sounded.

I wanted to understand everything differently but fortunately my eyes weren't blind. They saw as well as always. They saw through you. You couldn't hide your lies no matter how hard you wanted to. I noticed them right away. The worst part was the fact that I could not lie to you, even though I tried. _Yet you still always forgave me._

I return to this moment with a silent laugh. I was an idiot. You never even loved me, I was nothing more than an object to you. I was something you could show around and boast about. I had had enough even though I knew I could never let go of you.

_To you I'm sorry about all the lies  
maybe in a different light  
you could see me stand on my own again  
cause now I can see me.  
You are the antidote that got me by  
something strong like a drug that got me high._

Slowly I disappeared into the darkness and touched the hand of the Dark Lord himself. I did all that just for you, even though I still didn't understand that you didn't need it. You let me understand everything wrong and you never corrected. You still got me all messed up and to do anything for you. You drove me mad being away just for an hour.

Every morning you left early and came back late at night. I did my best trying to cope with it and find things to do with the spare time. My thoughts were wandering elsewhere. Wondering in the pictures I didn't want to see, in the doubts I didn't want to have. I couldn't give up, I wanted to believe you. But I knew I would never be yours. _I knew I would never be enough for you._

Every night you returned punctually, not a minute late. But one night you didn't show up at all. I looked for you and found you organizing a party. _A farewell party._

You said that you were going to tell me, that you wouldn't have wanted to break my heart by disappearing. I didn't believe you, I thought it was just a trick. But you weren't lying even though I wanted you to. You left the very next evening waving your hand with a painful look in your eyes. _I would never forgive you._

_What I really meant to say  
is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold  
never meant to be so cold._

I can still hear the quiet footsteps behind me and I block them from my ears. My thoughts are wandering on the years we spent together, again. I would have wanted them back but you didn't let them. You refused to give me my life back and forced me to continue with the one I was not in. _I am only a shadow of myself._

I knew you weren't what I was looking for. You weren't even a man. You were a coward who fled as the first opportunity came. I had to look after you bitterly and I yelled your name. At that time I said that I will not have anything to do with you anymore. I called you a chicken, a coward, and all other unnamed synonyms for these words.

Unintentionally or intentionally I did something to gain my revenge. I could still see you in my eyes and I couldn't face you anymore – I couldn't and I didn't want to. I had forbidden it from myself. I had forbidden everything that was connected to you or made me think about you. _You hurt me, you know that?_

I didn't want to understand that you did everything for me. I was cold when you returned, just a shell of what I had been before. You found it strange and crabbed me by my shoulder. I stepped backwards pushing you back, and I didn't even know why. I wanted you to pay for all the lost time we could have been together when you were away.

_Too late I understood that I was hurting you._

_What I really meant to say  
is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold  
never meant to be so cold.  
I never meant to be so cold._

I slow down and nearly stop. Curiosity has awakened inside me and the figure following me touches my shoulder. The touch feels familiar and warm. I turn to face this person and I'm filled with amazement. I tremble and step back. I feel cold shivers slashing my back making cuts beneath my skin. I form your name with my lips but can't get it out. You step forwards with determination and take an eye contact with me. I sink into your eyes – they seem to shine so bright.

Slowly you press your lips against mine and I let the warmness pour over me, even though I shouldn't. Soon I realize why all of this had been done, why I think of you the way I do. I press my hand on your chest and push you away. I step back so that we can't reach each other. I keep on looking into your eyes breathing heavily. You still have that look on your face.

This time I can't see your thoughts. For a brief moment you hide your pain beneath your smile but then you become serious and you look at me like you were demanding something. Like I was your prize. I step back as you step towards me and you realize that you couldn't get to me – not this time. There are too many times that you have.

_I never really wanted you to see  
the screwed up side of me that I keep  
locked inside of me so deep  
it always seems to get to me  
I never really wanted you to go.  
so many things you should have known  
I guess for me there's just no hope  
I never meant to be so cold._

I look straight into your eyes and you don't shiver a bit. You caught me and you didn't plan on letting go. We stand facing each other with a short distance. The look on your face is serious and anxious. I on the other hand smile. I smile even though I know I shouldn't. You hurt me and I want to cry but I can't do that in front of you. I can't tell how much it really hurt. I can't tell how much I missed you or how I stayed awake restless every night after you left.

You keep on staring at me and I want you give in to your look, but I just can't. It doesn't suit me, it's not like me. Instead I slowly take out my wand. You can see it but the look on your face doesn't tremble at all. You know what I can do. I admire your tenaciousness but I can't give up now that I am so close. I could have my last revenge – the one you deserve.

"Avada Kedavra", I speak out the words and a green light hits you in the chest. You fly across the air hitting the ground a little way further. I walk to you with a smile.

Hah. Did you think I was going to cry? _You were wrong._

_What I really meant to say  
is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold  
never meant to be so cold._

My smile fades as I realize what I have done. I have murdered you, I have murdered us. As always, I want to deny the facts but as I look into your closed eyes I can still see the same captivating look that was shining on them right before. As I murdered you I murdered a part of me. I murdered my brother. Finally I lose my grip and tears start to pour on my cheeks for the first time in two years. _I'm sorry._

Without saying a word I bend down to stroke your dark hair. The flames of your green eyes have danced their last dance and there is nothing left but the ashes. I pick up your limp body and embrace it, knowing that you wouldn't come back. There is no such spell that could bring back life – not even love can do that. I put you down on the ground carefully, crossing your arms on your chest. _You look like if you were asleep._

Only now I realize that you were my life and it no longer exists. I wipe away the tears and close my eyes for a moment. In my hand I squeeze the wand I have just killed my loved one with. My loved one, my soul mate, my life partner. I couldn't forgive myself for what I have done. I close my eyes and smile, and I say those two words again as I point the tip of my wand at myself.

_You don't have to go by yourself. I'm with you, I'm right beside you. I am your love, I am your enemy. I am everything you have, everything you don't and everything you will never get. I am the only thing you can never own. _

Forgive me.

_What I really meant to say  
is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold  
never meant to be so cold._


End file.
